Restart & Realization

Happy start of Fall, everyone!

It’s been an interesting summer on this end writing-wise, to say the least. Some goals were met and even exceeded, others were failed–and a profound realization came about that caps all else. The journey to finish all edits and new work on the third Cross & Flag book, Revelations, fell a ways short of expectations; seems I’m still having trouble with connecting the exciting parts with more mundane yet still vital bridging bits, alongside the usual worries over dialogue and “show-not-tell.” Nevertheless, I managed to fill in enough of the gaps to leave the path wide open for the next (and hopefully FINAL final) round next year, or whenever the muse strikes again for this draft.

Work on the fourth and last C&F book, Reckonings, will restart tonight; I’ve been waiting on this for around a year, and now’s the time to take on arguably the longest and hardest work in the series. Given that my second PhD year starts today, too, there’s no clear idea at this point how far I’ll be able to get in terms of editing or brand-new sections, but I’m aiming to at least have the most crucial parts started or finished before my allotted work period for this project ends. It’ll be a much freer kind of work, too, without the strict plan of working through each section and chapter in sequence, or obsessing over dialogue and description to the point of holding up the work for days. After so many times of being nagged to death by my inner editor, part of me relishes the chance to just focus on the key bits, and truly leave the harder (albeit still rewarding) proofing work for later–much, much later, if need be.

This brings me to the realization I recently had, regarding my current work, my writing aims, and my life in general. For the past two years and more, I’ve put my writing above practically everything else: my social life (such as it was even before), school (once I started the PhD), and even simpler, enduring pleasures like reading. In many ways I was writing, or trying to write, like I was already a bestselling author, always working nonstop on one draft or another with only short periods of rest (three days, or five, or seven) between them. Gradually, I found myself starting to consciously and subconsciously resist writing, usually by going on YouTube, listening to music, or grabbing books off the shelf to find random passages that often had little or no ties to my current work–anything to avoid the page on the screen, for long stretches. Combine that with the various worries I’ve been handling the past few months (school, work, finances), and the ever-increasing pressure I maintained on myself to meet writing deadlines, and I was coming scarily close to a breakdown from both the anxiety at keeping up with the writing tempo I’d set and the disappointment/depression when I couldn’t keep up. Meanwhile, the rest of the Outside World issues (some of my own making, some decidedly not) weren’t and aren’t going away, making it still harder.

All this finally brought me face-to-face with a somewhat downbeat, but no less obvious fact: While I may well be a bestselling author sometime before long, it isn’t going to happen as quickly as I or anyone else wants or thinks, or in the exact way. Therefore, there’s no reason for me to half-kill myself (or more) trying to maintain a pace I set (and can therefore change whenever and however I want), and coming to hate my writing sessions because I can’t do so. I can and should have a life outside the keyboard, and I’ve let mine slide to the backburner in a lot of ways. I used to laugh and wonder at how some of my writer friends can stay focused on one or two drafts for years at a time, to the exclusion of all other story ideas they had percolating, tinkering and editing at their own leisurely pace. Now, with the burdens and fears I’ve assumed and had piled on over the last six months and more, that kind of slowdown may be the healthiest thing in the world for me.

As such, for the foreseeable future, I’ll be refocusing on the PhD, my day job(s), and resurrecting my social and personal lives, with a little left over for promoting those of my works already out there (For State and Country, Dillinger in Charleston, Obsidian & Steel), or on their way (Discarded); a Free Book Promo for O&S is scheduled to start on Kindle tomorrow, for one. The “Year of Edits” and the writing overall will still go on–but I’ll be taking both far, far slower, with more fluidity in my projects (Red Delta’s still on the self-publish track, and I will see it finished and up on Kindle before the year’s out, even if it means cutting back on other work), and fewer deadlines and demands of all kinds. I’ve already started this new approach with regards to Reckonings, and the slight cooling-off is already working wonders: the anxiety and disappointment is down, all other problems look much smaller and more manageable, and I’m able to relax much more easily. If all goes well, I should be back to a normal state of mind (or as close as I can get :P) in a couple months, maybe even sooner. I’ll keep you all updated as things change, and what’ll be coming down the pipeline next. With this new outlook, anything’s possible! 🙂